What is IFS—Internal Family Systems?
“A part of me wants to work hard, but another part of me wants to bury my head under my pillow and stay there.”
“I want to be vulnerable with my partner, but I can’t stand the thought of being hurt again.”
“I’m sick of binge-watching and scrolling…why do I keep doing it?”
Sound familiar? All of these are variations of thoughts I’ve had myself or statements I’ve heard from the folks I’ve worked with over the years. When faced with these painful and sometimes contradictory thoughts, feelings and actions, many people try to shove them down, ignore them or shame themselves into change. Or they may seek support and find strategies to cope and soothe themselves in hopes that it leads to changing some of the undesired patterns.
Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a way of looking at these patterns not necessarily as problems to be eliminated, but as something to be understood and met with compassion, as they originated as a way to keep one safe. All of us have a system of parts that develop in response to life experiences and circumstances, as well as a core Self that is our inner leader and can be thought of as one’s true self or highest self. For example, someone may develop an inner critic voice that pushes them to achieve in school after being harshly criticized by a parent and noticing that pushing themselves toward perfection earned them praise and love. Instead of being Self-led, the person may find themselves increasingly driven by the inner-critic to avoid being criticized or shamed by others, leading to success in their career and other areas of their life, as well as some of the other outcomes of self-criticism: overwork, guilt, anxiety and imbalance.
In IFS, we seek to connect with and understand these parts, to meet their concerns and fears with curiosity, to extend compassion to them, and help them to release the burdens they carry that push them into extreme roles. The end goal is not to eliminate these parts, but to integrate them into a more balanced role and help them trust the Self, so that one can be more led by their Self energy in day-to-day life.
So what does that look like in practice? In a therapy session, the therapist or client might identify a part that has been really present and needing some attention–perhaps the inner-critic, the part that shuts out intimacy, the part that numbs out. The therapist supports the client in the process of connecting with this part to learn more about it and develop a relationship with it. With time, they may learn that their part is carrying a burden that they can help it release, such as a traumatic memory or an unhelpful belief. They might also discover that this part is protecting another part, often a younger part that has experienced a core wound, and with trust from the protective part, they can go to this part, often called an exile in IFS, and help it release its burden. All along, the therapist will support the client in relating to their parts from their Self energy to build a trusting relationship. This process can take time, as we want to make sure the system of parts and Self remains in balance, but even before any exiles are reached or burdens are released, many people report relief just from connecting with their misunderstood parts and learning more about them from a curious and compassionate perspective.
As a therapist, I truly resonate with the non-pathologizing nature of IFS. I know that all of the people that I work with are doing their best to cope with life’s difficulties and sometimes that means relying on old coping skills, strategies that help in one way but hurt in another, or intergenerational beliefs developed in response to systemic trauma and oppression. Witnessing people understanding their parts and developing compassion for themselves is a truly magical part of my job. As a person who exists outside of my role as a therapist, I appreciate how IFS makes room for contradiction and complexity in how I view myself, others and the world around me. I meet with my own IFS therapist so I can understand my system of parts and face the world with Self energy: compassion, clarity, curiosity, creativity, calm, courage, confidence and connectedness.
If you are interested in learning more about IFS to connect with your Self and parts, consider scheduling a consultation with me or another trusted IFS therapist—I know several great ones I can connect you with if I’m not the best fit for you. Or if you’d like to do some reading, listening or other exploration before connecting with your system, here are some recommended resources:
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz
“170. The Most Radical Way to Heal: Internal Family Systems Therapy with Dr. Becky Kennedy” We Can Do Hard Things podcast
“IFS Therapy in 3 Minutes: The Human IOS” Percy Ballard, MD (YouTube)
